Angst Friday, Apr 11 2008

I have worked part time, flex time, full time, even double time before quitting my job and becoming a full time stay at home mom!  Then I quickly went crazy and started consulting projects from home, which was nearly impossible because I was spending more money on last minute babysitters to cover for me while I “worked”.  I worked as a lawyer, a career counselor, and a law professor.  I graduated at the top of my class and worked for a large national law firm as a securities lawyer before I got pregnant.  The toughest decision for me to make, and the one that scared me the most was deciding to quit my job and stay at home.  I really suck at that domestic stuff and I don’t like being compared to those Martha Stewart wannabes!  I can’t compete.  So, maybe I hide in the environment where I know I can succeed.  But then the reality sets in that I am too exhausted to really succeed the way I want to, and in all this struggle, my children are the ones who are suffereing.  At least that is what I tell myself so I don’t have to feel guilty when I decide to stay at home.  Truthfully, they seem to be doing pretty well under the care of our nanny. 

Why didn’t anyone tell me how hard this period in life is.  Why didn’t anyone tell me how conflicted I would feel with each and every choice I made, even when I lived both sides of the fence.  I think I am in the midst of a crisis and not sure how to get out.  Tom Cruise has made anti-depressants an embarrassing choice.  But, I don’t think I am depressed.  Not the postpartum depression thing.  This is anxst.  Is there a pill for anst?  A pill for that feeling that I hate being judged so I judge others silently in my head (“look at thos silly stay at home moms with nothing to worry about except what park to go to”) so I can beat them to the punch.  Is there a pill for the feeling of guilt when I am really not paying attention at breakfast when the kids are asking me questions about life and I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet.  A pill for the inadequacy that seeps in when you realize that Julie Clark somehow not only created her own line of movies and then sold them to Disney, but she did it while making pancakes for breakfast every morning and she also looks like Barbie.  A pill for feeling bad that I beat myself up with this kind of jibberish on a daily basis. 

And, if there was a pill, I would never have the guts to make an appointment with my perfect doctor mom who somehow managed to become an incredibly successful OBGYN and have 4 kids at the same time.  She would surely know that I really didn’t have it all under control if I asked for that pill!    

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Fantasy or Reality? Sunday, Mar 30 2008

Fantasy:

I will easily glide back to work with affordable day care.  Sure the commute will be a little longer, but it will be worth the feeling of contribution and balance I will achieve.

 

Reality:

Hahaha.  Where do we start?

 

Fantasy:

I will surely take a little longer than a movie star to return my body back to normal.  I expect to be looking the same after about 4 to 6 months. 

 

Reality:

You may never look the same, but you had better try.  If you don’t lose that weight soon, it will grow accostumed to your body and beharder to take off.  However, your breasts will never be the same and you may be sporting some excellent new stretch marks.  Oh yeah baby!  Oh, and it will take about a year, even if you work out like a maniac.  I don’t know why this is true. 

 

Fantasy:

I will have date nights with my husband and we will tackle parenting together.  It will bring us together.

 

Reality:

Date nights.  What a joke.  These were created so that you can feel guilty about not having a date night.  Don’t put this pressure on yourself.  You may or may not get cloer during parenting.  It will ebb and flow.  When you are tired and fighting over who should get the baby in the middle of the night, you might think you haave never been further apart.  But this is your partner, so you will have to get over it and try to work together.  Not just for the ogod of the children, but because you need him too.

 

Fantasy:

I will look fabulous in my old body, new clothes and cute adorable children by my side.

 

Reality:

You will not have time for regular showers, your body will not be the same so you will not allow yourself to buy new clothes.  Therefore you look terrible in maternity clothes or baggy sweats.  Your child probably still looks adorable at your side though.  I hope everyone is looking at him and not me!

 

Fantasy:

In my spare time I will start a fabulous company and sell it for millions (I will settle for one million) to Disney or the like.

 

Reality:

There is no time for a shower let alone a fabulous company.  Follow through becomes a thing of the past.  This will lead to more inadequate feelings because you know there are moms out there who somehow manage this unbelieveable feat, yet no one is reporting how to do it.  hell, at this point we are hoping someone will help us figure out how to fit in exercise or time to read a book.  Starting a company isn’t even on the radar anymore.

 

Fantasy:  I will achieve perfect mom status:  clean house, healthy meals, well mannered adorable well dressed children, fabulous new mom friends… shall I go on?

 

Reality:  There is no such thing as perfect mom!  The house is never really clean – afterall the kids are dirtying it up every time you turn around there is more food, or paint or something on the floor (or wall).  You just don’t really like your new mom friends and the kids are never well behaved and well dressed all the time.  They are always adorable though! 

 

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These are the people in your neighborhood Thursday, Mar 27 2008

Remember Mister Roger’s Neighborhood?  I do!  He was my hero!  Well, I thought I would share with you an excerpt from my “book” (or pet project) about the people in my neighborhood! 

These are the moms you will meet when you decide to stay at home -

Drill seargant – dots I and crosses the ts

Extremely organized, plans everything – good at delegating too

Basically likes work b/c can control it.  Can’t really control kids – life is messy

 

Researcher:  will research every parenting book.  Record every burb, bottle and diaper.  Record number of hours slept.  Provide the doctor with exceedingly detailed graphs of the baby’s every move! 

 

Mother Goose – mothers everyone – focus is on making sure everyone’s feelings are met.  Spends too much time taking care of others.  Unorganized. 

 

Earth mother – takes it in stride – ease – child focused – wants all the kids at her house. 

 

Cheerleader mom/Pre-school mom- plans kids events throughout the day – “now is art project time” – very cheerleaderish in her communications.  Perky.

 

Miss popular – wants to be seen on everything – very important to be a part of every organization

 

Margarita mom – entirely focused on self, clothes and getting the kids with a sitter.  Sarcastic, funny and ready to have a girl’s night out!  (Without the kids of course)

 

Which mom are you? 

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What it takes to succeed Friday, Feb 8 2008

What it takes to Succeed - The RULES for working mothers

 

Rule 1:           Take care of yourself first; the rest will fall into place

Make sure you work out, if that is important to you.  Make sure you get your hair done, if that is important to you.  Make sure you are happy!   You cannot be a good mom or good employee if you do not take care of yourself first. 

 

Rule 2:  Get extra sleep whenever you can

You never know when you will be up all night

 

Rule 3:  Accept help.

Spend the extra money to have someone clean your house, even if it is only once a month.  Pay the babysitter for one extra hour and go to the grocery store after work.  Go out with your spouse to a movie without your kids.  Spend a night in a hotel to get a good night sleep!  

 

Rule 4:  Make sure your spouse or partner is helping

As Dr. Phil says, we teach people how to treat us.  Do not let your spouse get away with not helping with the cooking, cleaning and groceries.  Make a list and divide up the chores. 

 

Rule 5:  Have a life

If you are the type who liked to do things on the spur of the moment, you will have to force yourself to start planning.  Don’t lose your friends and keep your relationship with your spouse alive!  You are going to be very busy and tired, so don’t over do it.  Make plans for once every few months.  Start a dinner club and set up a standing date night.  I joined a mothers group that has members who work and who stay at home.  There are playgroups and moms only meetings in the evenings.  Try to find one in your area.

 

Rule 6:  Create a support group for yourself

Make sure you have a pediatrician you trust, an OBGYN you like, a great hairdresser to make you feel beautiful when you need it most, good neighbors (get out there and meet them), a great babysitter or two (especially if your in-laws or parents don’t live near by), girlfriends who do not judge, and a supportive spouse.  Remember, they each serve different purposes in life and no one can give you all of this.

 

Rule 7:  Get a role model

Get Judy Cleaver out of your head.  Your role model will probably be a combination of many different mothers you admire.  Don’t try to be super mom.  Decide what is important to you, write it down, and commit! 

 

Tips:

1. Fridge in the garage (to store extra milk, drinks, frozen pizzas)
2. Itemized grocery list- now anyone can go to the store for you (even better - organize it by aisle)
3. Use quicken and on-line bill pay (enter the age of information and use it to your advantage)
4. Laundry baskets- now anyone can do the laundry
   1. Whites
   2. Darks
   3. Can’t go in the drier
   4. Wash during the week and leave folded clothes in there to pick up
5. Buy a steamer for wrinkles
   1. Saves money on dry clean and only takes two minutes to use

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Martha Stewart Doesn’t Live Here - (thank god) Friday, Jan 11 2008

What kind of mother are you?

 

I was afraid of becoming a SAHM.  What is a SAHM you are asking?  It is a Stay A Home Mom.  Part of my fear was having to socialize with those kinds of moms.  (The kind that need a stupid acronym like SAHM because they no longer have any identity outside of their home!)  It is just so not me.  I didn’t want to be friends with those gossipy self-important little homemakers who actually take pride in clean floors and wonderful dinners.  My mother wasn’t like that and never was.  She always told me to tell them,  “My goal was never to be a Domestic.”  The idea is to say it like you would never want to be a little maid for your children. 

 

My mom was (and is) cool.  She scuba dives, skis powder, drinks beer and looks great doing it all.  But she always travels first class and buys retail.  She is funny and fun and makes everyone around her feel good!  She never cared much for cooking, but she did give it one hell of a shot while we were growing up.  She cared even less about cleaning.  She enjoys life and taught me some wonderful lessons:

 

1.                  Take care of your truly first, everything else will fall into place

2.                  You were not born to be a domestic

3.                  If your husband expects you to do that type of thing, then he married the wrong girl

4.                  Money is to be spent on the people you love

5.                  Don’t feel sorry for yourself

 

My advice is to decide on your role model: who is she?  Murphy Brown or Carol Brady?  OR maybe a combination?  Mine is my own mother, however, she wasn’t burdened with the lawyer title and degree.  It tends to complicate things, although the purpose was to give us more choices, wasn’t it?  We should form a picture of the mom we want to become in our own heads, and then become it.  It won’t be perfect, but don’t waste your weekends in the office or running around doing errands.  Don’t forget what you promised yourself:  to have fun, enjoy life!  Go to the park, eat ice cream, don’t clean the house! 

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I’m pregnant! What to get… Tuesday, Dec 11 2007

What to Get …

Crib

Changing table

2-3 terry cloth changing table covers

Bedding

2-3 crib sheets

4-6 sheet savers

2 waterproof pads for crib

Rocking chair

Car seat and stroller travel system- Osh Kosh Even Flo (Look for sturdy system, easy to collapse, correct height when pushing … so you don’t lean over awkwardly while pushing.)

2 units to snap car seat into car (1 comes with system, 2^nd one buy separately so both of you can put car seat in car easily at any time.)

Lightweight stroller that snaps in car seat- Snap N Go- Baby Trend

Terry rolled headrest – to go in car seat until head is bigger

Basinet

Wedge to keep baby tight and cozy

Jogging stroller

Diaper bag- stylish yet big enough to carry 3 bottles, formula (Or breast milk), 5-10 diapers, and supplies

Mobile

Bouncer chair- fisher price

Swing

High chair- we got the Swing-N Meals combo by fisher price (high chair and swing)

Boppy pillow

Baby wipe warmer

Bottle warmer- good for middle of the night feedings

Humidifier- most pediatricians in Denver require it

Diaper genie type product

Sampler of different bottles (eventually you will need about 10 bottles)- We love Avent

Dishwasher caddy for bottles

Dry food holder

Bathtub with hammock for baby- Graco

Washcloths

Towels

Baby monitor with 2 receivers- Safety First

Pacifiers- a few to try

Bibs

Receiving blankets- 5

Bigger blankets for stroller-3

Car Seat toy- Dashboard with remote (fisher price) for car

Travel play yard and travel bassinet

Baby Mozart

Ultra saucer- even flo

Johnny jumper

Breast pump- get or rent an expensive one, cheap ones don’t work

20 Burp cloths- in addition to the cute ones, buy a stack of cloth diapers at babies r us to use as burp cloths

Rattles

Baby nail clippers

Digital thermometer

Stroller toys- I like the different colored links and keys

Clothes-

                5-10 sleeping suits with feet (socks don’t work) and zipper (snaps ok but a pain!)

                Don’t get clothes that go over baby’s head

                Don’t buy shoes

                Don’t get too many clothes for 0-3 months because outgrow them quickly

                Don’t buy too many clothes yourself because it is the most favorite gift to give

                Look for legging and t-shirt outfits rather than regular pants and dresses

 

 

 

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Hello! Monday, Nov 19 2007

Hi there!  This blog is created to service all those mommies who are lawyers.  As a “recovering” lawyer and a mommy myself, I certainly understand the pressures of both being a lawyer and being a mother.  When you combine the two - you have one stressed out momma! 

The entries here are partially to help you, but also to help me.  I love my children dearly, but I feel like I am losing it sometimes.  I now own my own business, and this helps me “balance” my life, if there is such a thing.  However, I am asked to help others try to figure this out and I have developed a few tips of my own I would like to share with you!  I will try to keep this updated - and I am launching products for you later this year.  For now, I have enough things on my plate though! 

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